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In his astonishing victory against a Trans couple, the SCOTUS has sided with Colorado baker Jack Philips in a move than comes after 12 years of constant legal battles.
But just when it looked as if Jack was in the clear, it was discovered through a leaked source that came to us that Jack has been using a formula that has been known in other studies, on frogs, to increase the likelihood of becoming a homosexual.
"We'd known for a while that Jack wanted to bring more LGBTQ+2IA to the business because the gays really do love cake, and for a while, us telling them that we don't bake cakes for people that enjoy fudge didn't make sense." Per our source in the kitchen. "But once he started using his secret "Gay Cake" formula, the gays really started flocking to the store in record numbers saying they needed to put more Gay Cake inside of them. It was weird, but they have money, so."
Upon discovery, Jack has seen his business increase ten-fold from the LGBTQ community. They're not asking for him to bake rainbow cakes anymore however, because now they're simply wanting the chemically altered "Gay cakes."
Xavier Martin, seen below with his life-partner, was in-line outside of the bakery awaiting its opening and said: "Oh my god! These little devils taste absolutely heavenly. I feel kind of bad for ordering it from this bigot, but how can you hate something that's gay and tastes so good. He needs to do hotdogs next!"
We reached out to Jack for comment, but we have not heard back.
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John Burk is an author with literally zero books published or articles written of any credence. Why he even works for us is beyond me, but here we are. I'm asking for a raise.
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